This is the age of superficial relationships. The family unit has broken apart, people don’t attend church or social clubs like in the past, life is too busy to make time for friends, children (and adults) are zoning out online or watching TV. Relatives and acquaintances are as close as your social media accounts. But often that feels impersonal, like a mass-mailed Christmas letter or someone bragging about their expensive vacation.
Do you really want to see into someone’s head or spend quality time with them? Can you handle that? You might get more than you bargained for, if they show their real self. Perhaps they will reveal unpleasant truths about themselves. And you would be obliged to reciprocate that trust and openness. People feel closer to those who know their secrets. Are you ready for that responsibility?
I became friends with a guy a few years back. He’s had an interesting life; being a police officer, truck driver, criminal, salesman. He’s near my age with grown kids, but remarried and has a couple young children with his second, younger wife.
A couple years ago, he confided that his sex drive isn’t what it used to be and he felt he wasn’t satisfying his wife. The solution that he came up with was to have me fill in for him in bed, as long as he could watch at times and maybe even join in, if he was ‘up’ for it. He had discussed this with his wife about it and was pretty sure that she was okay with it.
I was rather stunned and said definitely not. She is attractive but I would be uncomfortable with that scenario. I cooled the friendship, but he continues to bring it up, once in awhile. He has even sent me naked pictures of her. No matter how many times that I’ve said no, he is determined to make his fantasy come true. I wish he would’ve kept the idea to himself.
That’s an extreme example, but even a minor revelation could cause a rift in friendship. Perhaps you discover differences of opinion about religion or politics. Maybe the other person has hidden racist thoughts. Or is a militant vegan. Or believes UFOs are real. Or, worst of all, has no deep thoughts at all! I met an attractive, fit woman years ago, that had an air of mystery about her. I got to know her eventually and even went out with her. She turned out to be intellectually shallow, an alcoholic, and we had nothing in common.
It can be painful, if you share something that is important to you, and their reaction is to back away, whatever their reason. Some are unable to handle closeness, especially with a person who is different than themselves. When two have differing views on subjects but can still remain friends, that shows genuine maturity.
It takes effort and time to deepen friendships. You must go beyond the banal talk of everyday life; weather, gossip, sports, fashion, dirty jokes. Life is more than that, and your brain is capable of higher thoughts than that. Chit-chat has its place but that is little more than mere existence. One must be first pondering the deeper meanings of life, before being able to speak of them intelligently.
But friendship is made up of more than conversation. Emotions are shown, experiences are shared, even physical touch is important. Going deeper in a relationship is not just an intellectual exercise, it’s a meeting of souls. The touchy-feely part is often hard for me. When someone speaks of a traumatic event or some great hurt that they felt, I don’t know how to react. I can discuss physics, nature, architecture, philosophy, etc. But emotions are much more difficult. I try to relate and empathise, but it’s not easy. Definitely worth the payoff of a more meaningful relationship, though.
Making time for someone is one of the greatest gifts you can give to them. Even if it’s not a huge amount, it can be quality time with some effort and care. That shows that you care and that they are important to you. Unfortunately, we so often devote more energy and time to much less important stuff; like surfing the Web, working to accrue more material possessions, doing trivial hobbies, sitting in bars or churches, and so on.
Life can be frittered away so quickly. Little matters at the end, except your memories and close friendships. Are those friends worth the effort, time, and deep conversations? Many people are. And hopefully, you, yourself, are worthy, too.
iggyvandweller 