Too much of the time, things I do are done to please, impress, or to avoid conflict with others. I’ve always struggled with that, not choosing what is best for me. A lifetime ago, a pastor told me that my spiritual gift was being a helper, living to serve others. And that is what I’ve done; at work, at romance, in my free time, putting other people first. Wanting to be liked and appreciated. What did that get me? A bunch of fairweather friends that used me, girlfriends that played me, bosses that underpaid me, and a lack of respect from anyone. It’s in large part the reason that I’m reduced to living in a van.
So how do I escape being that person that everyone takes advantage of? Is it as simple as dropping everyone who has ever screwed me over or used me? Do I cut myself off from all humanity to avoid any chance of it happening again? Or is there some way to learn a new lifestyle where I come first and I am not concerned how others view me?
I think it will be a mix of these things. I do need to delete those who don’t care about me, only what I can do for them. I have to limit my interactions with people in general, so that I can concentrate more fully on developing healthy relationships with the few that I do allow into my inner circle. I must stand up for myself, since no one else is going to. I have to be willing to be alone if there is no quality companionship to be found. I need to guard my time and the limited amount of money that I have left.
This needs to be my lifetime resolution or my remaining time will be short and unhappy. Time for change.
iggyvandweller 